Simon's Diary

Israel 2002

Day 8

 

There's not too much to report today, as most of it was spent sleeping off yesterdays lack of sleep. Once I finally got up it was nose to the grind stone finishing off Miri's web site .

Tomorrow I shall be attending a memorial service for my father's brother who died about 15 years ago, I shall then be returning to the hotel so although I shall be writing the diary tomorrow night it's possible I won't be able to get to an internet terminal to upload it, but I shall try.


Me at Eddie's computer

Of course even though little happened here today that's not to say that there's little to talk about. For a start I had some vivid dreams one of which haunted me throughout the day. In this dream I was visiting my daughter, who in real life I have not seen for over a year now. It's likely that when I do get back to London this will happen as arrangements were being made just before I left to do so. In the dream I was holding her up and showing her birds flying, . Yesterday Miri had said in connection with the subject of not seeing one's children / loved ones that "For those our eyes no longer see our love does not flow". I thought that my blind friends might not agree totally with this one. Anyhow there is a point to it, but possibly with regards our children then no matter how little we see them, for most people they take a place with in our psyche that does not allow us to have them too far from our minds eye. My father never really made a proper effort to find me, and possibly for convenience sake preferred it that way, however he once told me that he was haunted by me, and if ever he saw someone with short arms then he would say my name near them to see if they'd respond, he also said that in all his paintings he'd place a small figure in the background that represented me.

Our children often represent parts of our selves in our subconscious minds, so some psycho-analysts would say, and if this is true then I feel that for my Father I partly prepresented his own lost child. He as a child had been somewhat of a street urchin, this is something that has been brought more to my attention on this trip than ever before. Stories such as Boris coming home with drunks after a night out at the age of 7, or successfully forging his father's signature so he could join the army at the age of 14 AND ending up on the front line in Northern Africa before being found out and sent home, are just some examples of the sort of things he got up to as a kid. Sadly for Boris his Mother died at an early age and although he was wayward before this happened it probably didn't help matters. When I look at his life I see an impressive array of adventures but a severe lack of real love. I know he would agree. This may sound like I'm trying to justify his lack of fatherly behaviour towards me, but now that I am a father I can identify in many ways with Boris' predicaments and possibly meeting Boris as late as I did allows me to be more forgiving because I too have many weaknesses.

Miri asked me today if meeting Boris and the family changed my life. Although the change has been subtle and can't make up for what was lost as a child I do feel that I probably have a more sturdy image of my self now.

When I first met Boris I asked him to tell me about his life and he said something like "what do you want to know that for?". We are not born ready made parents, and it's often our children (or the experience of being with our children) that forms our parental abilities. There's a part of me that would like a life like Boris', and another that wants to hold all my children close and love them.

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