To see other chapters click here

THE MEANING OF LIFE

The Ripples Her Breath Caused Moved Through Time and Space

For most of these chapters I write about something I experienced and then reflect on it, but this chapter follows a theme and from it, incidents came to mind.

I hadn’t initially planned to write this chapter as it is, but the conversation I mentioned in the last chapter, the one in the Italian café, helped bring it about.

She blew on her coffee to cool it down and the ripples her breath caused moved through time and space to me, and from me to you, but you are not the end of it.

* * *

When people ask me if I’m religious I say, “I think agnostic but feel spiritual”, but it’s a bit more complicated than that.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 1

In the world this story is set, curbing people’s curiosity, especially around subjects of significance, has been one of the most successful ways to discourage dissent. Making people feel information ought to be simple and complicated ideas are just a means of obfuscation or, at the very least, boring you into submission, has led to a society where just showing two pages of writing causes nausea for most ‘readers’. Even this paragraph is a bit of a struggle.

The best things in life are not “things”, but to many people, even though they didn’t use 99% of the things they possessed, they still sought more. From cradle to grave, they would crave, crave., crave… But after all that, they still couldn’t feel satisfied, so with credit cards in hand, they’d soon be back for more, and more, and more.

There were some though, who didn’t buy into that way of living, and many of them wanted to meet with others to discuss their ideas and beliefs. But these meetings, these meetings of the mind, were viewed by the authorities as dangerous, so that meant going to them was too.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 2

I’m in a long room with tables through the middle of it, men and women are ambling around. On each table, are books and candles. This isn’t a dream, but it is somewhere in your imagination though.

When people say they are not creative, I point out to them their imagination and dreams. Within a milli-seconds, their minds can design beautiful rooms and landscapes. So, as we move through these spaces, I’m not sure who is guiding who. Maybe it’s partly you, partly me, and partly those walking around the room.

Around the first table are a couple of women, one is a rabbi, and the other is a Christian bishop. Nowadays, even symbolic imagery has to follow inclusive guidelines, which in this situation makes no difference, because they are all reading from the same book anyway.

The bishop clears her throat and the room falls silent.

“We are gathered here tonight to discuss the Meaning of Life. Simon is our guest and shall be writing about the proceedings as well as asking questions from a layperson’s perspective, your identities will be protected.

So, without further ado, I shall put the case from my point of view, which is just one of many differing Christian perspectives. I believe that Humankind is made in the image of God, but the “Fall of Man” caused the offspring of Adam and Eve to inherit Original Sin and its consequences.”

There are a few voices of dissent. “What do you define as God?”, one asks then another adds, “Why did God let them fall in the first place? God must have known all the suffering that would cause.”

The bishop looks irritated, but continues, “Please, I would like to finish, then I shall answer your questions.”

“So much for turning the other cheek,” a voice from the back shouts.

“Shh, shh, let her speak,” comes another and finally the room quietens.

She takes a breath and looks at me, “So I take it you want to know what Man’s main purpose is?”

I nod.

“Well, the answer, for me, is, Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. And, before you ask, God made us to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him forever in heaven.”

I’m a bit confused so ask, “Do you mean that metaphorically, as in whether we believe God exists or not as long as we accept God is in us, even just as a function of our brain, then we will be happy?”

She looks at me a bit sternly. “Well, I can’t see how you can love and worship God if you only believe God exists in your mind. That sounds narcissistic to me.”

I look back at her and try to explain, “Well for me, I can separate different parts of my mind, I can say I can’t prove God exists, but I can also accept a part of me feels a God-like entity exists, at least in my psyche.”

Her bottom lip pushes her top one into an upside-down smile, “That sounds like you’re being disingenuous if you ask me,” she says. “Listen, St. Ignatius of Loyola stated that the human person is created to praise, reverence, and serve God Our Lord, and by doing so, to save his or her soul. You seem to see the soul as a by-product of your brain, whereas I see our brains as a by-product of our souls. To me, God is real, whereas to you, God is just a figment of your brain.”

I want to know why she feels so definite in her belief, so ask, “But can you prove the existence of God, or souls, or heaven, or everlasting life? Because, if you can’t, that’s a big problem to me.”

She comes back with, “Romans 11:33 states: ‘O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!’ You see, we cannot understand God, but God knows all.”

I feel like we’re getting somewhere, “So are you saying we can never really understand?”

She smiles and says, “Yes.”

So I ask, “So, do we have to take all of this as the Gospel Truth without any evidence, to be guided by blind faith?”

She nods like she’s been understood, “Yes.”

I’m not giving up, “So, how do you know it’s his word?”

“I believe it to be.”

I sigh, then ask, “So is every word in the Bible the word of God?”

She pauses, puts her hand to her mouth and taps her fingers above her upper lip, “It’s complicated, there are mistranslations, different opinions on the interpretations and historical context to take into account.”

“But some people interpret it very literally,” I say.

She replies, “Their interpretation is theirs, not mine, I can only speak for myself.”

A quiet man is standing just behind her, listening in. He’s not very tall, wearing glasses, and has a slightly greying beard.

He coughs, half puts his hand up but speaks without being invited, “I can’t relate to theistic arguments anymore.” He says, “It feels like something from a bygone age. I think if people enjoy it, that’s good, but I doubt most people can truly relate to it now. But, to me, that’s a good thing. That way people can relax and drift more into real spiritual experiences. Theism has tended to downgrade the universe to a mere collection of objects that we can’t relate to, it’s something people often use and abuse as they wish. Theism and galloping technology are twins. Theism is very male and rationalistic; it is part of the story but needs the feminine to balance it. In these centuries of war and consumerism, we’ve lost our compassion.” He laughs, then says, “End of sermon”.

The bishop asks him if he’s a clergyman.

“I was”, he says, “a long time ago.”

* * *

Psychic Events

You might think I am being a bit harsh or blinkered but given I have experienced lots of “psychic events”, I am open-minded about the possibility of there being more than just this physical existential dimension that we call the universe and life. At the same time, my logical side knows no one can prove there’s a “God”.

One may ask, “Who or what created the universe?” hoping the answer is God, but that question can be turned on its head too, “Who or what created God?”

Some may argue, “God is timeless and has no beginning or end,” but again the same could be said of the universe, or at least what caused the Big Bang. Maybe time and the universe have no beginning or end either. However, because we are bound by beginnings and ends, it’s almost impossible for us to truly understand existence as having no cause or beginning.

Scientists may argue time did not exist before the Big Bang, but we can’t help but ask what caused the Big Bang, what was before?

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 3

Distant police lights flash through the windows outside.

“Quickly”, the bishop says, “Follow us.”

We exit as fast as we can through a door into a dank thin tunnel where only small dim lights along the walls illuminate the passageway. When we come to a stop, we’re in a commercial kitchen although there is no one working there. It’s immaculate.

“Do you want some tea?” the bishop asks.

“Yes, I’d love some, thank you. What happened just then?” I ask.

She frowns. “We don’t take any risks.”

“Surely, it’s not that bad?” I say.

“I’m a female bishop, having women priests has split the church. There’s a consequence to sharing opinions and there are consequences to those consequences. Maybe you should speak to the rabbi while I make us some tea.” She motions me toward her.

“So why do you think we’re here?” I ask the rabbi.

“I don’t think I’m going to be any more persuasive,” she says laughing a little. “I think we are here to elevate those in the physical world and prepare for the world to come, the spiritual afterlife. We are not so focused on personal redemption, but instead on the salvation of mankind as well as ourselves and God.”

I am not sure if I took all that in but feel like I got the gist of it. “I kind of get that helping others is a good thing to do, I also get developing ourselves is beneficial as well, but I still wonder why God made us go through all of this, and so much suffering. I get it that it’s important to suffer too, especially in terms of developing ourselves, but the pain so many innocents have been forced to endure and the billions of people who have had awful lives, not just now, but throughout history, I find all that hard to fathom. Why, if God is so powerful, did he or she bother making us in the first place especially if she or he knew there would be so much suffering? What is there at the end of all of that that makes it worthwhile?”.

“Paradise!” she smiles, “If you or anyone you loved could live in paradise forever, then how much suffering do you think would be worth it?”

“I don’t know,” I say, “But I also don’t know if we’d want to live forever, and why not just make everyone perfect in the first place, I mean so perfect they wouldn’t sin, just create them and stick them in paradise forever. Surely that would be kinder, and anyway, do you have any proof there’s everlasting life?”

The bishop hands me some tea and says, “I’m sorry, but do you need help holding the cup?”

“No, I’m fine,” I say as I put my arms out ready to dock with it.

“You’re amazing, the way you cope. I’m very impressed.” She says, “Anyway, as we were saying, the apostle Paul said in Romans 8:18 ‘I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us’.”

I interject, “By the way, thank you, for the tea.” I feel self-conscious because everyone is watching how I hold the cup. They’re more interested in that than what we’re talking about.

“So, you’re not thanking me for my very apt quote?” she laughs.

I laugh too, “No, but I can if you think I should, but about your quote,” I say, “Well, it still relies on evidence of an afterlife.”

There are a few “hear hears” from those listening in.

Her eyebrows are raised, “You do realise that this is faith, we know we can’t explain everything, but as Isaiah says, ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’.”

“So, again, it requires blind faith,” I say, “and in a way, there’s no point arguing because there’s no conclusive proof one way or the other?”

“Exactly,” she says, “how’s your tea?”

“Heavenly,” I say.

“That’s good” she smiles, “I think we are going back up, you can take your tea with you, do you want me to carry it?” I show her the empty cup, but my mouth is full of the last gulp. “Oh, you’ve drunk it all, that was quick. You should have savoured it.”

* * *

1979 – Magical Thinking

I’m walking to the bus stop about half a mile away as I just missed the bus I normally get to go to school. I’m thinking that if I can get past the next lamp post before that blue car coming towards me passes, then there will be an alternative bus at the top of Wallington High Street that’ll get me to school on time. I’m beginning to do a lot more of this lately, making deals with fate or is it, God? It’s like asking fate to bring me good luck, it’s almost a kind of prayer.

As I get to the end of Park Gate Road there are a load of very small shops. One of them was a junk merchant. About a year beforehand I was taking jewellery I’d stolen from my mother’s jewellery box there and selling it, telling him my mum was desperate for the money and was too ashamed to bring it herself. I didn’t count on the guilt at the time. I just counted the money, even though I was well aware what I was doing was wrong. From then on, that shop served as a constant reminder to me of my trespasses for many decades afterwards. Telling you now is a kind of confessional process, only it’s not that confidential.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 4

We’re back upstairs and I’m talking to the bishop. “For all my doubts about God’s existence and there being an afterlife, I do think the essence of many religions have a lot to offer in terms of living in a way that has meaning. Even just in terms of understanding human psychology, they are very important. But I have to say I tend to cherry-pick from religious texts, and I have a lot of issues with organised religions.”

“I don’t think you’re alone in those beliefs,” she says, “Most members of any religion will argue with each other especially as interpretations can vary so much. But still, like you, they are trying to find the truth.”

“Are you sure?” I ask, “Do you not feel the truth is only sought when it supports the dogma, otherwise, it tends to be rather inconvenient.”

* * *

2018 – Seaford “The Grumpy Chef” Café

I’m with a few friends. We’re talking about this chapter. They aren’t religious nor do they believe in God, well not in any traditional sense. One of them is saying what many of us say, that religion has caused too much suffering and it’s hard to justify its existence in light of that.

“But,” I say, “there are many good things related to religion that we’re lacking now.”

“Like what?” Liz says.

“Communion, being with others to discuss spiritual-related matters.” I say, “People haven’t got many places they can go for that kind of discussion now, especially if they want to consider different ways to live their lives. It’s like people have been abandoned. Okay, they can go to church but that is often very dogmatic and based on unprovable principles. But in terms of spiritual matters, no one has filled the void left in the space where religion existed.”

Liz says, “My father was very big in the church, but he was a terribly cruel man.”

I agree, “Yes, you see that kind of thing a lot in organised religions.”

“Normally,” Liz says, “I can’t bear to speak about religion or politics at the table, but today, I feel comfortable doing so in our little group here.”

I was tempted to jump across the table and attack her, but I didn’t think she’d see the funny side.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 5

I’m looking at the bishop and the rabbi, they’re talking to an Imam. They’re all being very chatty with each other, but I know that although their religions stemmed from similar Abrahamic roots, their interpretation of the texts varies greatly, even in the way they see God, and which words they believe to be true. Behind the joviality are the ingredients that have caused so much suffering throughout history. But I’m also thinking about the historical and current attempts to purge the world of religion and I’m wondering why, for instance, was it so important for the Soviets to get rid of religion, was it just because, as Marx said, it was “the opium of the people”? On the surface, they said it was because they thought religion was backward and was often used to exploit and stupefy the working classes. However, power and control were probably just as much the main reasons. The Soviets killed, persecuted and imprisoned tens of millions of people in their attempt to rid society of religion and were just as adept at exploiting and propagandising as any religion had been. For them, it was more about getting rid of the competition.

* * *

Many religions depend on a belief in an omnipresent and all-powerful God, the existence of the soul, Heaven, and Hell, and that their ideology is the only true one, passed to them directly from God. I find it hard to accept those principles, but for those who take that leap of faith, there’s a strong sense of “Meaning” that comes from those ingredients. This often becomes manifested firstly, through the belief they are part of a quest that is full of ultimate meanings. Secondly, a promise of life beyond death. Thirdly the presence of God means they’re no longer alone. And fourthly, they are part of a large group they can identify with. Paradoxically, such aspirations are also at the core of most non-religious approaches to finding meaning in life too.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 6

Another priest comes up to me, and speaking in a Scottish accent says, “I overheard your conversation about suffering. You see it as a reason to doubt God, but I see it as a reason to believe.”

“Why’s that?” I ask.

“I see this world as a preparation for another life. That life will be without suffering but it requires we reveal who we are in this world so God can see if we are ready. If he just stuck us in paradise we would not have been tested, it would be as if we’d never become ourselves.”

“Then why didn’t God just make us as we will be after being tested, in the first place?” I ask.

“Maybe God thinks this is the most truthful way to make us,” he says. “If you had a child, would you just want it to suddenly be a ready-made adult or would you want it to grow and become itself through the struggle of life?”

It depends,” I say, “it depends on how much suffering they’d have to endure. I think some beings suffer so much that it would be better if they had never existed. It’s a matter of degree.”

“So, are you saying there could be a formula that could be used to work out when too much suffering meant life was no longer worth living?” he asks.

“I suppose so, yes. After all, some destinies are considered to be a fate worse than death.”

He shakes his head. “You know, God has felt all our pain, God has suffered every moment of pain that has ever been experienced. Just as a parent would rather suffer than let their child suffer, God has suffered with us out of love.”

“That doesn’t justify all the suffering to me,” I say.

He looks at me with an air of pity, “Maybe if you knew God’s plan, it would.”

I ask him, “Maybe I would, but I don’t, do you?”

“Do you want to rid the world of suffering?” he asks.

“Not really,” I answer. He looks a bit shocked, so, I try to explain, “We need some but it’s also hard to justify some too. It makes me wonder whether God is as all-powerful as you say or maybe even a little bit cruel?”

The priest is looking a bit disbelieving. Maybe he can’t understand my lack of understanding.

I go on anyway. “I mean if he allowed Satan to cause the Fall of Man then that shows either he was complicit or he was not as all-seeing as you say. I mean after the flood in the Noah story God said he felt regret. Some say he regretted the sinfulness of mankind, and some say he regretted killing nearly all of humanity. Either way, it indicates he was not as all-seeing as we are led to believe?”

“Maybe you are not as all-seeing as you wish. If you were, you might accept there might be other possibilities,” he says in an exasperated tone.

I’m feeling the same way too, “I can only go on what I know,” I say, “I have come here for knowledge but you’re telling me I have to accept not knowing.”

“In your heart, you know,” he says.

* * *

1973 – Matlock Swimming Pool

I started to cough and splutter and then I felt myself relax and looking down at the bottom of the pool I said to God, “I didn’t think I was going to die this soon, but if that’s your will I’m ready”. I started to blank out, everything went fuzzy, my vision went speckly and just as I thought that was it, I felt myself being dragged and lifted. The lifeguard pulled me out and asked if I was alright.

* * *

2018 – Neurotheology

I could hear a voice in me that some might say is God, and whilst I am willing to accept it could be I can’t prove it either way, so I won’t pretend I know. Just like archetypes, our brains are built to have a relationship with a god, whether we believe it or not.

Neurotheology is a contentious field which attempts to unearth neural links and mechanisms of religious experience. Those working in this area suggest that the human brain has a systematic tendency for such experiences, and living without using them may cause an imbalance in the psyche. I have a bit of sympathy for that idea.

After decades of the Soviets attempting to eradicate religion, and propaganda too, many Russians were quick to re-embrace it when they were finally allowed to.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 7

So far, it’s all felt like a bit of a dead end to me. Maybe Dead Ends are the real motivation behind a lot of this. We don’t want to die so we invent a possibility of everlasting life. There’s an interesting book which I have half-read recently called The Worm at The Core. Its main argument is our concerns about dying fuel nearly every human endeavour. In some ways, the question might be more appropriately put as, “What is the meaning of death?”

* * *

The priest suddenly looks at me with a startled expression on his face.

* * *

2018 – The Meaning of God

There are between 200 billion to 2 trillion galaxies in the known universe, and the variation in numbers is a debatable point. Either way, there are a lot of galaxies in our Universe. Even though it’s scientific methodology that brings that information to us, it is still a matter of belief that what we are told is the truth. Still, the fact a scientist will attempt to provide evidence when called upon, to me, holds a lot of weight.

When I think about some of the religious-based “meanings of life”, even if they are about a way of making ourselves spiritually purer, there is something in me that searches for meaning beyond that and even beyond ridding the world of “evil”. I want to know if there is a bigger quest and if there is a meaning for God to exist too.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 8

“You have to get out of here, quickly,” the priest says. “Follow the bishop.”

I do as he says, again passing through the same passageway we took before. I ask her what’s going on and she semi-whispers breathlessly to me, “We are splitting into two groups, some of the people are staying behind so that we can get away. We have to hurry, please, be as quiet as you can.”

When we get to the kitchen someone is holding open a mirror which also serves as a door. One by one we step into a far darker, damper passageway. I hear the mirror door close behind us.

* * *

2018 – Feeling Meaningful

Even though we might think that there is no clear meaning to life, we can still feel very happy to be alive. There is a separation between our thoughts and our feelings. If we feel happy we don’t tend to question the meaning of life but for most of us, there will be testing times when this issue becomes extremely pertinent to us on an emotional level. It’s probably a good idea to recognise this split because one path leads to philosophical debate, whereas the other route has more to do with asking, “What has caused this emotional state?”

The answer will rarely be a clear one, but it probably won’t be helped much by philosophy either. Not only does philosophy not come up with any clear-cut and simple answers, but it rarely deals with deep psychological issues that might be behind such feelings. If anything, a good therapist might be more beneficial.

Loss can be through death, separation, disconnection from others, or a sudden change in our own or someone we love’s health. We can lose our familiar world, our work, unfulfilled ambitions; all these and many other painful aspects of life can easily provoke feelings of meaninglessness.

Some philosophers and many religious people will see these as situations that allow us to grow emotionally. But even so, God, or no God, they will be a harsh test of faith. A test that may well be made easier or harder depending on the personality of the person going through these experiences. Some people can bear almost anything while others will fall at the slightest hurdle.

One could argue then, that the feeling of meaningfulness may well be just as much about internal resources, such as our DNA, childhood experiences, and other influences behind our attitude. My point is, when dealing with feelings of meaningless caused by emotional issues, personality may play a far bigger part than religion or philosophy, even if philosophy and religion may help to some extent and affect our personality too.

It’s quite easy to think that if religion helps people who can’t normally cope with life’s difficulties, then that’s a good thing, but there are aspects of religion which I think are extremely dangerous too. If religion was just about love, caring for others, developing ourselves and being less selfish, then I wouldn’t have an issue outside of doubting its core “beliefs” as previously mentioned. But there are so many damaging and dangerous dogmas that fuel hatred, war, persecution, and death that I can’t help but wonder if the payoff is worth it.

I am not advocating the Soviets’ approach of getting rid of religion but one can’t help but wonder if Jesus, Abraham, Buddha, Mohamed or Krishna would have wanted so much suffering propagated in their names.

Even now, so-called witches are still being burnt to death, women are taken as sex slaves, and homosexuals are persecuted throughout the world. All these things can be justified in religious texts, not just in Christianity but in Islam and many other major world religions too.

As you can see, I have very mixed feelings about religion.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 9

We find ourselves in an underground chapel, it’s been carved out of the rock. Candles are flickering on the altar.

A bald man approaches me and puts his hand on my shoulder.

“Not all of us here are religious, some of us have other views,” he says. “There might be supernatural elements to life but I decided long ago to focus on what I could change.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Well, if you can’t change the world change yourself, and if you can’t change yourself change the world,” he says smiling.

“I don’t understand that, it doesn’t make sense,” I say.

“Surely it does if you think about it. I mean you can’t completely change the world, can you? So, in that case, it might help you to change yourself. Likewise, you can’t completely change yourself, therefore, you could try your best to change the world, even just a little.”

“Why didn’t you say that in the first place?” I ask.

“Well, the shorter version fits better on Twitter and makes people think about it more, plus I heard it in a song once,” he says.

“So, what is your main reason for telling me?” I say.

“Everything comes to pass right?” he says.

“Yes,” I agree.

“So, what can you do about that?” He asks.

“Nothing,” I say.

“Are you sure?” He says.

“Well, I can’t stop it from happening,” I say.

“That’s true,” he says “So, why is it a problem?”

“Because I don’t want to lose the people I love, the health I have, the world I feel is home.”

He smiles, “So if you didn’t fear that, would that help?”

“I don’t think that’s very realistic for most people. I think part of being human means fearing and grieving loss. It’s a part of life. I can’t see how we can switch off our natural emotions.”

“I agree,” he says, “But how you react to the loss may well affect the meaning of your life. If you recognise everything will be lost sooner or later, doesn’t that make you appreciate it more while you still can?”

I bite my top lip, the thought of losing everything is very hard to accept and fills me with dread.

He pauses and bows his head slightly, “When people die, they change and the people who loved them change due to their death as well. But accepting that this is the way of the universe may help people become more loving. They can choose to fill themselves with love or fill the world with hate.”

I am touched by his words and can sense some truth in them, but I can also see that it must take a great deal of struggle to react to life in that way. It is almost saintly.

I tell him the oft-used line I stole from a Mark Knopfler record about being a part-time saint. “What if you’re like me, only a part-time saint, how do you deal with the less saintly aspects of your personality?”

He starts to walk off but as he does, he says, “Whichever one you focus on will be the dominating influence, there is an element of choice in the matter, even though that choice might be very limited.”

I thank him.

I hear another voice from behind me, I turn and there’s a man with a walking stick, he’s in his 60s, with black oiled hair combed back, and wearing an old-fashioned tweed suit.

“What he said, it’s kind of what I believe in too.” He says. “I’m what you might call a secular humanist. We believe in evolution. We don’t believe we were made by a supernatural being. We still believe in following ethical guidelines through life though. To us, it’s about not only fulfilling ourselves but also humanity overall. We call it enlightened self-interest. By helping others, we help ourselves and by developing ourselves we help others. Do you not think most of those gathered here are similar to each other in that way? Can you see the connection?”

I’m just about to agree with him when another man says, “We don’t, we believe in enjoying life as much as we can. As long as we don’t directly hurt others.”

There’s a woman with him who says, “I think this is the only life we have. I agree you can’t just ride roughshod over others, mainly because they’ll probably kill you if you do, but I can’t pretend to care about things when I don’t. I have had a good life and I have suffered too, it’s just I try to enjoy what I can, while I can. I think a lot of what people go on about in this group can’t apply to everyone, different strokes for different folks and I think we should live and let live.”

“Hear hear,” says the man in tweed, “Although I do wonder if deep down you would be happier if you paid more attention to others.”

She looks at him, “I can’t pretend to feel what I don’t feel. You’d prefer me to be honest, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes,” he says, “I agree that each person may find meaning in things other people might not and vice versa, I think that’s just subjectivism. I remember a Taoist once telling me that through introspection we can attempt to find our innermost reasons for living, he felt the answer is within ourselves. Some people are searching for bliss while some aim to help others live with less suffering.”

“I’m not being rude, or anything,” the ‘honest’ woman says in a kind of vaudeville insult tone, “but for someone who’s not a priest you’re very good at mansplaining, I mean preaching.”

He laughs, “I suppose,” he says, “that there’s a big crossover between many of our points of view because nearly all of us recognise that we are linked to others, so if we hurt another person, it somehow hurts us too. Even though you say you just want to live and enjoy your life, you still don’t want to hurt others. You say it’s for self-preservation reasons, but I wonder if it’s also because you have compassion too.”

Her eyebrows are cocked, “Maybe, but while I don’t think I’m anywhere near as caring as others in this group, I sometimes wonder how caring they really are. I mean, are they just trying to get a golden ticket into Heaven? Anyway, there are plenty of psychopaths in the world who don’t care if they hurt someone. I think you’re all being a bit idealist.”

I am still worrying about whether we’re going to be caught. “Do you not feel worried?” I ask.

“About what?” The man in the tweed suit asks.

“The police finding us.”

The woman nods her head. “Nah, we’ll be okay. This is always happening. The ones we left behind will be questioned but they’ll be okay. They’re raising money for the poor or druggies.”

“Actually,” the humanist says smiling slightly, “maybe I’ll take that bit back about you having compassion.”

She shrugs as she says, “I can’t pretend to love everyone equally like some of you say you do. My family and friends come first to me. I wouldn’t feel right in myself if I didn’t put them first. I’m not a hedonist, I’m more like an Epicurean.”

“Are you sure?” says the man in tweed, “I thought they abstained from sex and other sensual pleasures. They did try to avoid pain including mental anguish, but I get the feeling that you’re not as strict as they were.”

Irritated, she snaps, “I was referring to them in terms of them not believing in an immortal soul, they believed in a soul, but they saw it as a physical part of us. I’m not stupid.”

“Do you think you’re referring to your consciousness when you say, soul?” He asks.

* * *

If there was a clear-cut definite meaning in life, then it would probably be written in the stars or our genes and it wouldn’t be a debatable issue. If you firmly believe in God, you will probably think I have been foolish to speak as openly as I have done here, but I imagine many of us have similar thoughts and if there’s a God then God will understand (I hope).

To me, the main questions remain unanswered. What is the endpoint we are aiming for? What is God’s purpose? What possible good reason did God have to create so many lives that are so full of suffering they would rather have never lived? And besides all of that, how can you prove that this is the will of God anyway?

To me, as time has passed, our view of the universe has changed which in turn has altered our perception of the meaning of life. The ancients looked at the stars and built religions around them, then later their gods changed, but still, humans were at the heart of religious meaning. But as we started to get a clearer view of space, we realised we were no longer at the centre of the universe, so our place in the order of things changed too. As science became more able, the question “why” became somewhat interchangeable with “how”. If a scientist can prove life occurred because of this or that happening, then is that “why” we were created? If there was no superintelligence involved, then was there no greater meaning than us being a by-product of evolution? Is “how” we were made the same as “why” we were made? There’s often a very thin line between them.

I once heard someone define themselves as a traditional Catholic. I didn’t know what that meant, but he said that as far as he was concerned there could never be a conflict between science and religion because both should be primarily concerned with the truth. But what if science could ever prove there wasn’t a God? I admired him for his focus on the truth but, as I mentioned earlier, history has shown over and over that people who follow a strong ideology tend to ignore the truth if it doesn’t coincide with their beliefs.

* * *

There was an imam, a rabbi, and a priest. God says, “This better be a good joke.” However, by the time they’d finished killing each other in God’s name, no one was laughing.

* * *

Do you remember that friend of mine, the one who bought my Saab, Ian Owles? Shortly before he died, he said to me, “The stars are souls waiting to experience living, life is a miracle.” And I kind of knew what he meant.

When I think about how good my life has been so far I can understand that idea, it’s just, when I look around and see people suffering for a lifetime through no fault of their own, or whole lives that are racked with pain and torment, then if I believe there’s an all-powerful God involved in that, I see a harshness that is hard for me to understand.

* * *

Leap of Faith

One way to assess the strength of a “meaning of life” could be to think about whether that meaning would still hold value to someone who finds themselves in a very difficult situation; would the meaning help them through? Let’s say, someone had lost their family, their home, and job. Would they be able to use the meaning in question to help them carry on living? When we are in desperate situations we may turn towards desperate measures, especially to nullify the pain. Hopefully a worthwhile “meaning” would help a person avoid turning to such dangerous things.

Plato once defined humans as ‘A being in search of meaning’. Even without the bigger, supernatural, or lofty aspirations to help others or develop ourselves, people will often find meaning in all kinds of things, for instance fulfilling an ambition, being creative, or mastering something. Even our biology provides meaning, after all, are we not driven to find a mate and create a family? Then there are feelings of significance, they too may offer a sense of meaning. Hence people strive to become famous or infamous or even anonymously significant because their work must remain a secret. And yet even if all of our desires prove significant, we will never know the true extent of our significance, good or bad, because we can never know the ultimate consequences of our actions and our mere existence.

There’s an irony in that idea because even people who feel they are the least significant, for example, substance abusers, compulsive gamblers, or the homeless, provide meaning for those who want to help them. It might not be a meaning they want to be part of, but nevertheless, they are significant. Even those caught up in a cycle of consumerism are providing meaning for everyone in the retail and production chain plus all those people dealing with the consequences of consumerism, (waste disposal, anti-pollution activists, anti-slavery activists). I realise I’m being a bit provocative, but you can get a sense of our interdependence from such examples.

* * *

The angel says to the demon, “Thank you”.

* * *

I was thinking about my point about the meaning of life tending to be a more pertinent question to those in a more anxious state, and wondered if we would find it acceptable to deal with it medically. For instance, what if we could take a pill and our emotional focus would move to the real issue that was upsetting us?

Most of the time that might work, but would it be somewhat like a drug addict escaping their pain or would it be more akin to therapy? Drug misuse tends to be about not facing the truth whereas this imaginary medication would be about focusing on the true cause of our pain, not so much about escaping it.

Victor Frankl, who was a psychoanalyst, spent a lot of time as a prisoner in the Nazi concentration camps and wrote a very famous book called, “Man’s Search for Meaning”, as well as developing a school of psychoanalysis which in part focused on meaning. He asked his fellow therapists, how they could label a patient as being mentally unwell because the patient felt life was meaningless, especially given the “meaning of life” isn’t provable without blind faith. There is, of course, the possibility that some causes of anxiety are linked directly to thinking about meaning, especially things like facing one’s death or the death of loved ones.

* * *

2017 – May – Hastings – The Conquest Hospital

When I was in intensive care and told I was very ill with a heart condition and life-threatening infections from the burst appendix, I thought I might die at any moment. Whether that was true or not, that’s how I perceived it. I wasn’t in a lot of pain although I was uncomfortable, but had I been in agony I may well have wanted to end it all.

I did feel though that there could be more to life, and this was a situation that would pass. I promised myself, and God, if there was one, that whatever time I had left would be used to help others via my creative endeavours. Just as others’ creativity has helped me.

I realise to some that it’s arrogant to think we have things to offer that might help others, and maybe in a way it is. Still, we can but try to help, and that’s probably the best we can do.

* * *

Victor Frankl, who I mentioned a bit earlier, also felt people should cease endlessly reflecting on themselves and instead try to engage in life as much as possible. That way questions about the meaning of life would tend to fade. He still thought it would be a good idea to question oneself regarding why we may neglect our loved ones, or block our enjoyment of life, and to seek to be honest about ourselves as best we can, but that focusing on the “why” would rarely produce a definitive answer.

Studies relating to people being engrossed in the process of doing something consistently suggest that humans experience feelings of meaning and fulfilment when mastering challenging tasks, and it’s not so much the choice of the task but more the way tasks are approached and performed.

The more we lose ourselves in an activity or helping others, the greater the sense of meaningfulness we experience. It’s not an ultimate quest-like meaning but on a day-to-day level, it’s probably one of the many things that help many of us get through.

* * *

2017 May – Hastings Hospital

As I watched the series Cosmos I could see that venturing out into space to other worlds to live on has become our latest meaningful quest; well, that and searching for the truth and finding God. Even if it’s futile, it feels worthwhile. Plato would have probably approved, as attaining the highest form of knowledge was very much wrapped up in meaningfulness.

* * *

When people speak of the impossibility of travelling through space due to the distances involved it’s always worth keeping in mind the paradox of travelling at speeds close to the speed of light. While impossible now, who knows what the future will bring, but let’s say humans could ever travel close to those speeds, then a person travelling millions, if not billions of light years, could do so within a lifetime. For those they left on earth, the journey would have taken millions or billions of years, but for those travelling close to the speed of light, time slows down massively.

My point is, whether it is impossible or not for us to ever travel at such speeds, just the possibilities it could offer may provide many of us with a meaningful quest to pursue.

* * *

A teacher says to her class, “In 100 million years the sun will enlarge and engulf the earth.”

One of the pupils asks, “Excuse me, Miss. Did you say a million or 100 million years?

The teacher says, “A hundred million years”.

“Phew!” says the student “That’s a relief”.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 10

“It’s time,” the bishop says, as she clicks off her phone. “The coast is clear, so we are going to make our way through the garden and out to the boat. There is a small party going on in the garden if any of you wish to disperse into it.”

“I’ll have a bit of that,” says the woman who prefers to be honest about not caring much.

So, we make our way through another door along a passageway that inclines to a door to the outside. It’s dark, but the stars are brightly filling the sky.

Once we are all out the bishop says in a slightly raised voice, “Okay, those of you who want to go to the party follow Father Peter, those of you who wish to take the boat, follow me.”

I quite fancy going on a boat ride, although a party sounds fun too. However, I think it’ll be safer to get the boat. It will drop us off in the harbour and from there, it’s an easy journey home.

There are about 18 of us in the boat group, the other group consists of around eight who walk with us till we get near the party. We can hear talking, music and laughter but can’t see the people as we are slightly downhill from them and the main house, when I say house, I mean stately home. It’s big with many rooms and stories.

We walk on toward the jetty where a small ferry boat is waiting for us. We are helped on by the crew and within minutes the electric engines silently glide us away. As we move out toward the sea, we can still hear the party and from a few hundred metres away we can just about make out the illuminated marquee. Everyone on the boat is silent, taking in the stars, the house and party.

The marquee suddenly goes dark, and then within seconds, there are a few distant crackling sounds and a couple of thuds. I thought I could hear a scream, then high above the house a beautiful neon blue rocket-type firework bloomed, illuminating the sky. As we moved away, we watched the display as it got smaller and smaller until it faded away.

* * *

Søren Kierkegaard, a Danish philosopher who lived during the 1800s, recognised an absurdity about our search for meaning. Firstly, there were those who might wish to escape existence, but that didn’t seem viable. Then some would lean towards religion or other supernatural beliefs, but to do so would require letting go of rationality and to many philosophers that was tantamount to philosophical suicide. So finally, at least to him, what was left was the absurdity of continuing to live without any true understanding of significant meaning.

* * *

Sometimes though, you will hear a piece of music, or look out at the world or the stars, and you can feel meaning even if you cannot put it into words. In fact, maybe it’s words, with their ability to hide the truth, that prevents us from understanding what we’ve always known.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 11

We are getting near the end of our journey. The bishop comes up to me, puts her hand on my shoulder and says, “It’s been a bit of an unexpected adventure.”

“Yes,” I say, but it’s been interesting, it’s given me lots to think about.”

I can hear a strange noise coming from the other end of the boat. I look around, but it’s so dark I can’t see anything. It sounds like muffled voices. Then everything goes very dark and I feel cold.

* * *

Do you feel, do you feel like you need to know? Is it time for you to know or are you willing to accept you can’t?

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 12

I’m in the water, I feel like someone is holding me under. It’s pitch dark, I feel paralysed and can’t resist.

* * *

There are hundreds of archetypes and each of them has a script they follow. Do you know the main archetypes that dominate your internal world, do you know if their script has a happy ending? Do your archetypes stop you from finding meaning?

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 13

I don’t want to be alone in this cold darkness. I want to be with those I connect with, singing, talking, laughing, crying, and living.

I feel myself come to the surface, biology is in control, and I am gasping for air and coughing. I still can’t see anything, there’s a mist all around and I feel it cold upon my face.

* * *

For me, life has been beyond good, even with the suffering I have experienced. I accept things might change and maybe my suffering might become overwhelming. But for me, existing has been a miracle and I don’t want to die yet. And in my story, there have been so many kind individuals or groups who helped me to live such a life and many of them I’ll never know or if I did, I may not remember.

* * *

One translation of the word “Religion” is “Re-Connected”. (ligo “bind, connect”, re- (again) + ligare “to reconnect,”). One of the biggest meaningful aspects of life for me is connecting with others who I feel a “connection” with.

* * *

The Meeting of Minds – Part 14

I let my legs come up to the surface and float on my back for a while. I can hear others nearby. Were we attacked by some of the people in the group or did something else happen? Could the boat have exploded? I am feeling confused and frightened. I am scared to call out in case it was an attack.

There’s only so much time I will last before hypothermia will set in. I also worry that some massive sea creature will attack me. The mist starts to clear a bit and I can see the stars again. I recognise some of the constellations. They feel like old friends. Cassiopeia, Andromeda, Cygnus, and Pegasus are right above me.

I feel something push against my head. I panic, thinking a sea monster is just about to pull me under. Then I recognise it’s the side of a dinghy and hands are grabbing at me. I can’t see much, there’s a bright light shining on my face. I feel myself being pulled into the boat. Even if it is the police I would rather it was them than a monster. I realise I can’t hear properly, just a dull sound of voices.

Once I’m hauled into the boat I’m kept lying down and something is put over me. I’m shivering uncontrollably. Whoever these people are they are being kind. I feel like I’m in the world of good people and start to cry. Someone starts to talk to me, but although I can’t hear them, I feel their hand stroking my face. I look at them but don’t recognise them. We’ve never met but I know we will be bonded by this moment forever.

* * *

Thank you, for connecting.

Now, back to life, back to reality.

* * *